Psycho couple: stop wanting to change the other!

The beginnings of a relationship are often fiery, happy and serene. That’s what I wish you anyway. Once the magic and the chemistry of the beginning have passed, the criticisms begin and what made us melt at the start, becomes our worst annoyances. Let’s see together what it hides and what to do to get out of it.

The chronicle of Julie Arcoulin, specialist in personal and relational development.

False start

If in some relationships the desire to change the other comes with the first annoyances, there are relationships where from the start one of the partners says to himself: “In time, I will succeed in changing him. Can you hear the referee sounding the false start?

If something is bothering you early on, don’t go into the relationship hoping (or expecting) the other person to change. This will save you a lot of frustration. Firstly because for the other to change, he must be aware of a possible problem. Then, he must want to change. It is only under these conditions that the process of change can begin.

If you put more energy than your partner into this process, you will tire yourself out and end up annoying the other person.

Don’t send the wrong message

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment. How do you think he feels when you show your desire for him to change? He receives the message that he is not « good » and that, for self-esteem, is not ideal.

By dint of sending the other a message of change, he will end up questioning himself too much and no longer feel confident in your relationship. Isn’t it comfortable to have permission to be yourself within your couple?

The relationship you are building cannot grow healthily and sustainably if it is  » provided that the other changes « . In the medium to long term, it will come back to you like a boomerang.

Distinction between changing and adapting

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say. I’m not giving you a good excuse not to fit in or not put your all into building your relationship.

But there is, I think, a fundamental difference between adapting to each other and wanting to change the other.

Obviously a relationship is made of adaptation and « adjustments ». The more we get to know each other, the more we can precisely ensure that the relationship is balanced and that everyone finds themselves in it. But wanting to change the other is a way of taking control and power over him. So to create an unbalanced relationship that has little future.

Neither savior nor therapist

It’s important to remember that you are not your partner’s savior or therapist. If support, support, benevolence and respect are obviously essential for the relationship to last, taking the position of savior or therapist for his/her partner is not a good idea. If this is your case, ask yourself about yourself. We will come back to it.

You are not there to heal him/her. You can build support, offer love that will make the other person feel loved and cared for enough to « change » what they want to change. But not be the engine of this change, you follow me?

The only person you have power over is yourself. So rather work to accept the other as he is rather than to change him.

Maybe it’s a way to not see the beam in your eye?

We know that we don’t attract people by chance. The other is also the reflection of a part of ourselves. Perhaps, therefore, that by wanting to change the other, it is yourself that you want to change. Ask yourself the question: what annoys you about the other… what does it say about you?

For example, you ladies who very often complain about these gentlemen because they never put anything away. First, is it really  » never » ? Then, what is it looking for in you? The fear of being invaded? The feeling of not being respected? Could it be a territorial issue? Finding the answer to this question will allow you to distance yourself from these annoyances. And above all, it will allow you to work on what, in you, makes this or that thing annoy you.

The other is not there to fulfill your personal expectations and fill all your gaps. This part belongs to you.

The solution ? Communicate

If certain things annoy you, hurt you, sadden you about your partner, do not hesitate to express it to him. The trick is not to demand anything! Explain what this causes as a feeling in you, what are the needs behind it. Find solutions together so that both parties are satisfied. One because the other has heard his request, the other because he will be happy to invest himself in the relationship freely and not because the other has a requirement.

If no alternative is possible, if the other refuses or feels unable to adapt, perhaps you should think about changing partners…

See you next week. www.juliearcoulin.com – Follow me on Facebook