Reading labels, sorting out « good » and « bad » food, controlling other people’s plates: sometimes healthy eating can become an obsession. A testimony from Charlotte (assumed name), 35 years old.
No form of eating disorder has ever been diagnosed in Charlotte. Yet, for a period of her life, she lived an obsession with healthy food.
It all started in the United States, when Charlotte, then 23 years old, was an au pair in an American family. « I quickly gained 20 kilos without realizing it. I noticed the change halfway through my stay, after six months, and I decided that I wanted to lose weight before returning. The weight gain has was a shock for me, who had never been on a diet. At the time, food was the least of my worries ». Thanks to the advice of a friend, Charlotte follows the recommendations of a book, South Beach Heart Program, by American cardiologist Arthur Agatston. The diet advocated by the author was recommended for people affected by cardiovascular pathologies, but it allowed everyone to lose weight. Thanks to this book, Charlotte radically changes her eating habits and loses weight.
After learning to read labels, to tell good sugars from bad, she continued to educate herself, only to realize that her diet, previously based on sugars, was not healthy. « I read the books and realized that I had it all wrong. Everything I read about sugar interested me. I lost a lot of weight and it quickly became obsessive, » explains Charlotte. For her, food was gradually taking a growing place in everyday life: « My daily priority was to know what I was going to buy. I spent a lot of time reading labels ». Beyond the question of weight, which was not very important to her, food was strongly linked to physical well-being. « It was not at all a question of calories. For example, I never deprived myself in terms of quantities. What interested me was the quality of the food »she says.
Sugar, enemy of his well-being
For Charlotte, the fact that the consumption of certain foods – especially sugar – was associated with certain pathologies was almost « like an electric shock ». « Before, I only ate sugar but, overnight, I wanted to give only healthy things to my body, and the little that I deviated from this diet made me sick ».
Charlotte’s new eating habits were therefore healthier eating. After banishing « junk food », she excluded bad fats, white bread, industrial products and especially sugars. « I ate only low glycemic index foods. I almost knew the glycemic index table by heart, which had become my food Bible. It was a good base, because I was following a healthy diet and consuming these products to avoid inflammation. I had also inquired about what could have an impact on mood. Over time, everything became calculated ». Even fruits and vegetables, favorite foods, were then the subject of a selection: « In the end, I even banned carrots, corn and milk since they contain sugar. I only drank water. When I went shopping, I looked at the percentage of carboidrates. Even going at the store had become obsessive because I read so many recipes that I was in the stores every day looking for new things. All I thought about was getting my food and doing sports ».
Gradually, however, it becomes quite difficult to manage these restrictions. During the months spent in the United States, daily life is quite easy. As an au pair, Charlotte always had time to shop and prepare meals that matched her standards. But after returning to Belgium, it becomes more and more complicated to reconcile a strict diet with a professional and family life. « I was forced to put the question of food in the background. Life is not about going shopping and preparing food. What’s more, we often don’t have time to deal with it all ».
A complicated relationship with others
If at the physical level this diet has never endangered Charlotte’s health, at the relational level the consequences have manifested themselves fairly quickly. Meeting others at mealtimes is particularly difficult. Whether with friends or family, these opportunities were often wasted. « I didn’t feel comfortable eating food without knowing how it was cooked. There is no longer the pleasure of eating, only apprehension », says Charlotte. These moments became a real pain: « Sometimes, if I knew I had dinner on the weekend, I would worry all week about having to eat somewhere else. At the restaurant, I could still find healthy meals, but when I was invited to someone’s house and, out of politeness, I had to eat the dessert, it was hard », she confides, « At the time it was out of the question for me to eat dessert, even if I like sweets. I had eliminated it from my diet and eating a small piece of cake made me sick until the next day. I never got to the point of throwing up, but I felt a lot of guilt. »
For Charlotte, it’s not just unhealthy food that’s a problem anymore. From now on, even the sight of people who eat « badly » begins to disturb her. « Today I realize that at the time I had almost sectarian speeches. When I was with my family I controlled everyone’s plate, giving a lesson on what to eat or not. Of course, I was doing it unconsciously, not realizing how much it pisses people off. » she explains to us. The relationship with others is becoming more and more problematic, since ideas and points of view about food differ enormously from one person to another. Not to mention the growing concern within the family. « My parents feared that by sorting what I ate, I would stop eating. My mother was very behind me and often asked me what I ate », she confides to us.
These tensions lead Charlotte to modify her associations, and to surround herself with people who share the same vision of things. « I would never have been able to associate with people who only eat bad food. I could not have eaten with someone who swallows fries in front of me. So we surround ourselves with people who are in the same state of mind, because otherwise we would be complementary in disconnection », she explains. « From the outside, I had the impression that people who did not know how to control themselves did not have control of themselves. It seemed like a weakness to me. I liked being in contact with people who had control over their lives, it was something that pushed me forward.
Work on yourself to make sense of things
Even if she has never consulted a nutritionist or therapist, Charlotte can say today that she has come out of this spiral. His lifestyle has remained healthy, but his relationship with food has improved. The return to Belgium and the resumption of work rhythms have, according to her, contributed to this. « Now I watch what I eat, but from time to time I allow myself to make differences without feeling guilty. To achieve this balance, I had to work on myself. I did it when I realized that my diet was harming me, because socially it had become unsustainable. It was not possible to be so distressed, it was like a vicious circle. So I decided to let go. Even if everything starts with a positive intention, which is to eat well, the risk is to enter into a negative dynamic », explains Charlotte.
The new balance that Charlotte was able to find ten years after this experience, made her more free in her everyday life: « What matters is to find a happy medium and to know that if I stray, I can start my diet again without feeling guilty. Whereas at the time, it was dramatic. When it came time to ingest a piece of cake it would have put a lump in my throat for the evening. It was really as if I was poisoning myself ».
Relieved to have regained positive control over her diet, she remains convinced that diet remains a very complex area. « Even though my diet didn’t have the same health risks as anorexia, I think it’s the same spiral. Whether it’s weight, calories or food preparation , I believe that when we are caught in the gears, we are all equal », explains Charlotte. For her, losing control is easier than you think: « It’s psychological. All you need is a triggering event. I think that food is very much linked to the psyche. You can quickly fall into excess and you have to realize it in time ».
Click here to re-read the long interview with Emmanuel de Becker, child psychiatrist and head of the infant-juvenile psychiatry department at Cliniques Universitaires Saint-Luc.
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