This week, due to the release of my new book, I’m talking to you about toxic relationships and how to get out of them in order to build healthy and peaceful relationships. By Julie Arcoulin, specialist in personal and relational development.
In a previous column, I gave you the keys to recognizing a toxic relationship. This time, it seems interesting to me to define a healthy and fulfilling relationship in order to give you the perspective that will allow you to make you want to live this kind of relationship. Some criteria for a healthy relationship:
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each protagonist feels good and free to be themselves
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balance reigns supreme
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Everyone is benefiting
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everyone is respected and recognized at their fair value
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tensions, anxieties and bad atmosphere exist but rarely and are easily managed
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each is autonomous and independent
Take a moment to identify what defines a healthy and balanced relationship for you. What do you want to live? You are in a better position than anyone to define the criteria for a relationship.
On the other hand, a toxic relationship takes a lot of energy from you, ruins your life, makes you ruminate for hours, makes you feel bad and without energy. These kinds of signals should alert you and make you take a step back in order to see things more clearly.
What relationships do we have the right to question?
Absolutely all. Family, friendly, professional, fraternal, loving and those I forget. No bond of any order gives the right to inflict anything or is an excuse to maintain a toxic relationship.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. But think about what you would say to your best friend if he/she told you about the terrible things his father, his mother, his husband, his wife, his sister, his boss does to him. Wouldn’t you tell him to put an end to it? So why are you doing this to yourself?
The tools to start cleaning up your relationships
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Get to know yourself: knowing yourself means being honest with yourself. Don’t be afraid to shed light on the patterns you repeat, look them in the face and decide to put things in place to get out of them. Knowing each other also allows you not to blame the other for things that belong only to you. Relational pressure is greatly reduced and the relationship breathes.
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Be kind to yourself: the first relationship we need to work on is our relationship with ourselves. We are our worst judge, demanding and intolerant of ourselves. Our relationships in general would gain a lot if our relationship to self were in better condition.
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Respect yourself: it sounds simple said like that, but it’s not that simple. Respecting oneself means being connected to one’s needs, desires and values. Connected enough not to let anything or anyone divert us from our deepest needs.
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Dare to be yourself: since early childhood, we sometimes adapt our behavior in order to obtain certain things, in order to be loved, in order to be part of a group,… These strategies make us create a false – « we » with whom we evolve. But it’s not a reflection of who we really are. Once you know yourself better, you can be more of yourself and everyone wins.
Make the Pledge to Yourself to Get Out of Toxic Relationships
Stopping toxic relationships is both easy and difficult. This means getting out of the patterns that you repeat, it means questioning yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, going through the desert in which you will have to come to grips with the loneliness you dread so much.
You will need to initiate the necessary changes to deprogram your operating modes and install new ones. Before starting to do this great cleaning, we often have the impression that it is impossible. Then, one day, we get down to it. Millimeter after millimeter. Changes bring results, it encourages you, you meet new people, you taste balanced and healthy relationships and your life changes. Make this commitment to yourself and rest assured that life will send you some lovely surprises.
See you next week.
Workshop « I stop toxic relationships! » » – Follow me on Facebook
>> Read also the work of Julie Arcoulin « Get rid of toxic relationships », Idéo, 226 p.
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