In the same way that children learn empathy, mutual aid and benevolence by mimicry, bullying situations send them a very bad message: that of the law of the strongest, excessive denigration, and insistence on defining the other according to a single characteristic (his physical appearance, his singularity, his handicap, etc.).
A parent who realizes that their child is being pushed around or insulted repeatedly has reason to worry. Beyond the emotion that this discovery arouses, you have to take the right steps to correct the situation, without letting yourself be guided by anger or influenced by your own childhood wounds. It all starts with listening, and not just when the child is in a gloomy mood, insists Claire Beaumont, professor at the Faculty of Education Sciences at Laval University and holder of the Wellbeing Research Chair at the school and violence prevention.
What signs do you recognize that your child may be a victim of bullying?
Before talking about signs or victim — a term that victimizes even more — parents should be aware of what their child is going through. On a daily basis, what are its joys, its sorrows, its strengths? What does he like, what doesn’t he like? Getting him to talk about his interests, his successes, is a way of discovering him, and this dialogue develops his social and emotional skills. This sustained attention, even if our pace of life is hectic and without it turning into an interrogation, makes it possible to perceive the moments when he is depressed, or to realize that what fascinated him no longer interests him. A warning light comes on when you notice a change in behavior or a lack of enthusiasm for school or any other place such as the gymnasium, swimming pool or playground. And more so if there are nightmares or loss of appetite. This sometimes hides even more serious problems, or bullying that has been going on for some time.
How should parents react when they see their child being bullied?
First, one must check what the situation awakens in him. Anger ? Pain? After a good conversation with your child, contact the school to find out if the staff are already aware, and what they plan to do. Because every school is required to have a plan to fight against violence and bullying. When communicating with the school, it is essential to remain calm and avoid blame, to maintain the dialogue. Because the best way to solve bullying problems, like any other problem that affects a child, is to work together with the school team. If that fails, we can then turn to the school service centre, but I insist on this point: the most effective measures will be applied by all the professionals who are part of the children’s daily lives: from the teacher to the management to other employees.
Do bullying issues only hurt the bullied kids?
Unfortunately no. A child witnessing intimidating gestures may feel guilty for doing nothing, while refusing to help the target, for fear of becoming one in turn. As for the perpetrators of bullying, they are sometimes surprised that they are defined as aggressors. Interventions that succeed in stopping bad behavior provide new ones. We must show, for example, those who commit these acts that they can meet their needs without attacking their peers. The school must be a reassuring, secure and protected environment… without hindering social learning. The children learn to manage their emotions and their relationships, while feeling beside them calm, benevolent, but firm adults who do not lower their standards.
Is the phenomenon of bullying and violence growing? Or is the subject becoming less taboo?
Each time we start school, we hear the same discourse: there is more violence and intimidation than before. At Laval University, we conducted a longitudinal survey on the evolution of aggressive behavior, and our results show that this is not the case in children. There would even be an improvement, according to the latest data obtained before the pandemic. The opposite would have been surprising, after all the awareness-raising efforts made in recent years. And we must not forget that adults with a significant role in the life of a child will leave marks, traces, and teach them how to act in different situations. We cannot ask a child to behave in a way that we do not model.
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