In our over-rushed societies, the grieving process often appears to be evaded, the bereaved feeling that it is better to camouflage this sadness rather than to share it with those around them. Others are simply unable to hide their grief, and their deep grief at the loss of a loved one begins to be better understood. Hence the emergence of new diagnoses such as prolonged mourning, or pathological mourning, which do not necessarily have consensus.
To explore these delicate questions, News discussed with Valérie Bourgeois-Guérin, professor in the Department of Psychology at UQAM.
We hear more and more about “prolonged mourning” or “pathological mourning”. What is it about ?
According to the revised version of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorderscommonly called the DSM-5, published by the American Psychiatric Association, this mourning is characterized first of all by its intensity over time. It lasts over 12 months for adults and over 6 months for children and adolescents. This causes difficulties in functioning, at work or with those around you, until you experience immense loneliness. The person may even live in denial, for example refusing to admit that a loved one has died. Obviously, like all diagnoses, this one has a potential negative aspect: by attaching this label to certain people, we can suggest that any bereavement of more than 12 months is necessarily pathological.
More generally, how do we describe mourning?
There are two main definitions: some see grief as a reaction after a death, and others as a response to any significant loss, such as a breakup. These two definitions are relevant, but I especially appreciate the second, because it takes into account the fact that if the loss is not significant, no mourning process is triggered. Family ties do not predict the intensity of feelings either: one can experience more grief after the death of a neighbor whom one considered a friend than after that of a brother whom one saw little.
Researchers agree that the process generally takes a year, but this of course depends on the attachment to the deceased person and the context in which it takes place. Let us think, for example, of the current pandemic: during the confinements, funeral rituals were expedited or prohibited.
Because bereavement leave is so short, many people think it’s a matter of a few weeks. We also often hear comments such as: « Move on », « Give meaning to your loss », « Think positive »… The bereaved thus receive the message that they should not delay sharing their pain. , while it helps to go through the mourning.
Our culture still largely denies death and suffering, which are part of life and which we will all face one day. We must therefore recognize the fact that this is a process that takes time and that it should not be rushed. The magnitude of the emotions gradually diminishes, which is like any healing process.
What are the main characteristics of mourning?
Emotions do not follow a linear trajectory; they are complex, diversified, contradictory. For example, caregivers who lose the person they cared for may experience both grief and a sense of relief that often leads to guilt. Those bereaved by suicide also sometimes feel guilty. Even in the case of a natural death, we can regret certain words or actions, or blame ourselves for not having known how to make a gesture at the right time before the death of a loved one. Another element: significant dates, such as a birthday or the day of a death, arouse grief, which can also be reactivated at any time by music, a memory, etc. When the emotions are neither too strong nor intrusive, there is nothing abnormal, on the contrary. Cultivating the memory of someone we have lost will help us in the grieving process.
For some, grieving equates to depression. Is this really the case?
Grieving occurs after a loss, while depression can happen in a sneaky way, at any time, without a specific cause. When the sadness is intense, we sometimes confuse mourning with depression. Among the bereaved, despite this sadness, moments of joy or relief are possible, even if they only last a few seconds or a few minutes at the beginning of the process. On the side of the depressed, sadness remains constant. We also notice that they are more in the ruminations, while the bereaved direct their thoughts towards the deceased person. It’s important for people to know that intense sadness for two or three weeks does not equate to depression.
Can medication be a good tool to promote the grieving process?
Doctors and psychiatrists must be careful and properly assess the suffering experienced. In some cases, antidepressants can be a good option if the person is suicidal or temporarily needs something to help them regain some energy, but it must be accompanied by therapy. If the drug only serves to numb the pain, it only postpones the grieving process; once the medication is stopped, all of this can reappear. That said, for the majority of people, going through bereavement can be done without necessarily needing professional support.
#Mourning #sadness #tamed
